I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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