ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
