In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
