I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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