Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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