she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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