When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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