I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
