I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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