Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
