I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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