you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
