Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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