So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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