You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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