we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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