I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
