Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
