i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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