roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
