No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think my fart just growled at me.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
