well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
