I wish my penis had an off switch
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
