Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
