i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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