Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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