hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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