Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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