anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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