there's paper in my vomit.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
