The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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