I think i sorta joined a cult last night
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
