im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
