i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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