K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
