I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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