I just threw up on my dentist
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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