My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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