I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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