We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
