He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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