dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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I can't trust your balls anymore.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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