I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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