Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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