I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
