my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
