i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
