I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
