I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
