Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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