just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
