so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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