She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
