none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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