I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
