I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
