I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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