Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
