i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
