I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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