just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
