happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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